• Rachel Paige

My Goals for 2019

Okay, I know what you’re thinking, it’s March, not New Year’s. However, I don’t like the idea of New Year’s resolutions because we can choose to change our lives any day, it doesn’t have to be the first day of the year.

I’ve had a few goals I’ve been working on lately, anywhere from the last few days to last few months and I haven’t written them down. This post is more to keep me accountable than anything else.

Goal #1: Allow my real laugh to be my default laugh.

I want to not think twice before I use it, stop holding it in, and forget about that girl from 4th grade. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can read the post here)

All the time. Not just around family or friends. I want to use my laugh in class, when interacting with customers at work, even when I’m alone. I want to let it out every time I feel it coming. I don’t want to stop it, or cover my mouth with my hands to muffle it. I want to hear it.

Goal #2: Work on my fear of eating in public.

Key word is “work on.” The goal is not to overcome the fear, but be able to conquer the task despite the fear.

I’m usually okay when I eat with friends or family, because I can focus on them and the conversation. I’m comfortable with them.

The biggest areas I’m going to work on are the dining room at school and the break room at work. I want to be able to eat full meals in both, no matter how many people are there. I don’t want to lose my appetite as soon as I sit down. I don’t want to give up and throw half my food away.

Goal #3: Walk with confidence

For some reason, I can do this to and from work, but everywhere else, I keep my head down, my eyes on the sidewalk, and my hands tight on my backpack straps or hidden in my pockets.

I’ve made a lot of progress on this one already. I have neon pink pants that I initially got for Halloween, but I’ve found that I kinda have to walk with confidence with I wear them, because it’s impossible to hide when your pants glow.

I really like those pants. They’ve been a nice little anxiety hack, albeit an unconventional one.

Goal #4: Talk about my anxiety in person.

I have several dozen posts about my anxiety here, and some of it is heavy stuff, but as soon as someone brings it up in person or mentions this blog, I tend to change the topic real quick.

Some people are exceptions to this, and hopefully you know who you are. But in general, my hands get shaky, I can't make eye contact, and I give short answers. I hate that.

I want the tagline of this blog “giving a voice to the part of me I don’t talk about” to be meaningless by the end of the year. This is a goal y’all can help me with by continuing to talk to me about my anxiety. Tell me you read a post, talk about what I wrote here, ask questions, whatever. Don’t let me chicken out. I want this topic to be casual conversation, not something I mentally prepare for days in advance.

I’m going to stop there, because that feels like enough for one year. 4 goals. Laugh, eat in public, walk with confidence, and talk about my anxiety in person.

That may not look like much, but boy do those goals feel ambitious to me. I’ll do my best, but I don’t know if I meet them. I’ll be really proud of myself if I do.

But you know what? I’ll still be really proud of myself if I don’t, because I tried. I’m not looking to radically change anything here. I just want to do my best to push myself an inch or two every day so eventually I can look back and see the miles I’ve come.

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You can be depressed and not have depression. You can be anxious and not have anxiety.

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Loves writing and drawing,
Befriending wild animals, climbing trees, ice cream, All Things Disney & butterflies
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